Holiday Reflections

Every Christmas I do alot of reflecting of what once was and of what will be. I have such wonderful memories, but  some emotional ones as well.  Both my parents were old school. I think I mentioned in a previous blog, that they were much older when they adopted me. So, they were set in their ways. My mom was pretty religious and refused to have any holiday ornaments in the house, except the menorah. My dad was an agnostic…I guess because he grew up in an orphanage. All I know is that I desperately wanted a Christmas tree and lots and lots of lights.  The week after Christmas, my dad would take me for a walk in the neighborhood and we would collect the branches and tinsel from the trees that were on the street waiting for the trash collectors. I would rush home and decorate my room…hanging  tinsel on the lamp shade, my window and any place I could find. I never heard them argue, but I knew that my  mom was saying… “what did I tell you, hon…no Christmas ornaments allowed in this house”. My dad, probably just shrugged and smiled because he had made his little girl very happy.  I, also, remember my dad coming home, after shopping  at the local store, with 2 Christmas stockings and candy canes….I was in heaven.

I was a shy girl who hated school. I would feign illness if I knew there would be a spelling  bee or a pop quiz. So, I always looked forward to Christmas break.  My dad would drive us to New York City for 3 days. We always stayed in the same hotel in the theatre district. It was a little run down and was British owned. I remember there was a huge portrait of Queen Elizabeth in the lobby. I would go up to the portrait and courtesy …the makings of a drama queen. My dad would buy a single ticket for himself to see intellectual plays by Ionesco while my mom and I opted for balcony seats to musicals. I was enthralled and, as soon as we got home, would run out an purchase the albums to the shows we had seen. I would play them over and over…I can’t remember what I did 5 minutes ago, but I can remember the lyrics to every West Side Story and Gypsy song. “If you wanna bump it, bump it with a trumpet” If you wanna make it, twinkle while you shake it”.  And, everytime we left NYC, I would look out the rear window and cry as the Empire State Building disappeared from my sight. 

Such good memories….so many fantastic trips with my parents. But, like I said, my parents were much older and I have lost both of them. So, the holidays are bittersweet. I laugh on the outside, but I have this melancholy that is deep deep inside. You can see it in my  eyes, and if you listen carefully, you can hear it in my voice.

So, what about the future? I tend to live in the moment, but, of course I have a wish list.  But, for right now, I’m just going to wish upon a star and see what happens. It’s all you can do, really. Things happen for a reason…lessons are always being learned…we fall but we get up again…there is always a solution to everything. You just have to listen and you’ll hear the answers.   



bah numb bug

ImageThanksgiving and Christmas are always hard for me. I lost my mom and aunt during the holidays and am still mourning my dad, even after he has been gone for 20 years…he left too soon. The grief really never goes away.  Anyone who has lost a loved one is familiar with the sadness….the emptiness…the always being on the verge of tears..the vulnerability…the feeling that something huge is missing from your heart. Tomorrow night I burn a memorial candle to remember and honor my mom. In the Jewish faith, we light these candles for 24 hours, a month before their passing. So, the candle will be lit…the tears will flow and life will go on with happy memories.